Alchemizing Family Trauma

Christmas 2023

My last blog post about circles is directly correlated with this picture. This is a picture of what I would have considered to be quite a few of my 'inner circle" just a year and a half ago. We sat down on this Christmas Day to enjoy a delicious meal prepared by my husband of 20 years I'm sure music and football was on in the background and in fact this night ended with a stirring rendition of Feliz Navidad with Nick and Chad on the guitar and vocals provided by my son Nicholas. I don't think anyone in this picture could say a bad time was had! 2 month later the shift started.

The rift between my brother and I has been off an on for almost 30 years. What I viewed as poor life choices and a total inability to take any kind of accountability for his actions or behavior was a source of many arguments over the past 3 decades. But we had finally come to a place where we were able to "agree to disagree" and so most of the holidays were spent in relative peace. There was that one year when Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama were mentioned in such a way that he was asked to leave but for the most part smooth sailing. That is until I learned that it's acceptable to "agree to disagree" on topics such as which coffee is better Starbucks or Dunks. You know it's Dunks, well maybe it's Starbucks for you but hey, "agree to disagree" right?! However, when it comes to matters of peoples basic human rights and human decency and morality the old "agree to disagree" is just what a coward says to keep the peace and to go along to get along. I agreed to disagree for far too long.

I'll spare everyone the details of how these relationships have changed and evolved (some even devolved) in the last year and I will pick it up to what has transpired this morning. I am sharing this as a way of alchemizing the words said to me that are meant to make me feel shame and sadness into words of empowerment and joy. When I got off the phone with my brother this morning the confirmation of the work I have been doing over the past 12 months and the choices I have made to shrink my inner circle was quite obvious the absolute right choice for my mental health and direction of my life going forward. I have never felt so much joy, self worth, self confidence, and empowerment in the last 46 years of life! The phone call started off with some great news about his family and after 5-10 minutes of "Congratulations" and "I am so excited for you guys" it turned dark very quickly. It was made clear that my chosen life path/purpose was complete "bull****" and that it wasn't appreciated that I was sharing truths about my experiences growing up and in adulthood that did not correspond with his feelings (or my mother's) of how our lives were/are. I say this with my whole heart, EVERYONE is entitled to their own thoughts, opinions, memories and feelings of how they perceive THEIR life to have been. What people are NOT entitled or allowed to do is tell you how YOUR thoughts, opinions, memories, and feelings of how your life experience was...EVER!

Again so as not to embarass my brother I'll not get into the specifics of what was said but there were several opinions shared that I'm working on alchemizing into something positive. First, the idea that forgiveness is something that needs to be accepted by the person that YOU are forgiving. It doesn't. As stated in an earlier post (perhaps reading it again would help him understand a bit better), forgiveness is for YOU. Apologies are different from forgiveness. When you give an apology you're saying "Hey, I was wrong and I am sorry." That is something the can require acceptance. Forgiveness is saying "Hey, I feel like you were wrong and you hurt me but I forgive you so that I am no longer holding onto this pain, anger, and toxicity." Absolutely no acceptance by the person that hurt you is required, heck they might still not even acknowledge your pain! So if someone says your forgiveness is not accepted then they are confused and please don't even try to make them understand. You've got better ways to spend your time.

Second, I was called a b**** along with another pejorative used to describe people with intellectual disabilities no less than 40 times I would say. It was disgusting and completely uncalled for and certainly showed the level of intellect that my brother is operating on. What it did though was remind me that we must really be very careful of the words we say and use when having discussions with people. If you've ever read "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz then you know that the first agreement is "Be impeccable with your words." I feel that I have been a bit too relaxed with this so I'm going to be more conscious going forward with the language I use. Not that I would ever use the words screamed at me in the context they were conveyed this morning but still respect should be given in EVERY situation. I encourage everyone reading to do the same.

Finally, the gaslighting and the things being said to discredit and hurt me were pretty mind blowing. For the last few months there has been some uneasiness around my feelings about my business and the content that I have been putting out. I call it "psychic attacks" and I can feel it pretty regularly. During this call it was revealed that I was being watched and every word being read by people who would like to see me fail or at the very least discredit the work I am doing. It was during this call that I realized those weren't feelings that I had imagined, they were my intuition coming through and warning me so that I could be ready for what was coming. And when my brother said "I will do everything in my power to defeat you." I 100% believe him. Sadly, what he doesn't understand is that unfortunately he is not stronger than the God I serve and whilst he is out there putting toxic and negative energy out into the Universe in hopes of "taking me down". I'm over here praying for him and hoping that he finds the peace that he needs to get himself into a better place mentally so that he can fully enjoy the life that is waiting for him and live his purpose. Forgiveness for what happened this morning has already been given and I am at peace again with my decisions. It's important to listen when the Universe whispers who deserves to have a seat at your table. Love and Light!111